Becoming Me: One Awkward Step at a Time

I came up with this expression—or at least I thought I did—based on a feeling I’ve had since I was a kid. It turned out that this expression already existed, though I added the term “non-paid” to make it my own.

My interpretation of this expression might differ slightly from the original meaning, and I’d like to explore my thoughts and feelings about it here with you.

The feeling I’m referring to is the one I experience when I try to meet everyone else’s needs and feelings. I find myself drawn into relationships where I am wanted, but I struggle to decide if I feel the same way. Sometimes, it’s just the desire to please others, to make them happy—or at least to avoid making them sad—because they can’t have what they want from me or of me.

I’ve always been cautious, avoiding relationships—whether romantic or platonic—that I was deeply attracted to. That felt too risky, and just the thought of it made me insecure. My mind would flood with doubts, like whether I could live up to someone’s expectations—though, ironically, I have no idea if anyone even had expectations of me. I certainly don’t impose those expectations on others. I believe relationships should be determined by how we feel in someone’s presence; it really should be that simple.

And yet, there’s a contradiction in that belief, as the thoughts in my mind can be overwhelming and persistent. I didn’t want to let anyone down, and I especially didn’t want to get hurt myself because I made the “wrong” choice about who to love or like. The fear of facing the consequences—whether being unloved in return or being criticized for my choices—kept me from taking risks. That wasn’t something I could handle… until now.

It turned out I was wrong about the “non-paid” part. Even though I offered my attention, feelings, and sometimes even my body to someone solely to please them without expecting anything in return—apart from their satisfaction—I may have unintentionally caused disappointments, despite my efforts to do right by the other person. In the end, I was always the one who paid the price for those choices. The consequences were not always easy to bear. I paid by giving away pieces of myself—pieces that I am now successfully rebuilding.

Realizing this led me to reevaluate my current relationships at an age when I feel I should already know who my true friends and enemies are. And it’s hard work—it feels like cutting connections takes more out of me than building new ones. How crazy is that?