Becoming Me: One Awkward Step at a Time

The feeling doesn’t vanish; it just keeps coming back again and again. Perhaps it’s not as strong as it once was, but the question remains: what is the reason for it? Why does this sense of something missing in my life persist, refusing to fade away from my everyday existence?Is it like this for everyone, every day? I feel like I need to start asking others about it to see if this is a common experience or just to understand what others are doing or have in their lives that compensates for the absence of this feeling.

At some point, I thought it was because I didn’t have a proper job, so I made changes. Then, I believed it was the lack of education, so I started studying. I learned a new language from scratch to a high level, began studying economics, and at one point even started exercising more. Being out in the beautiful and peaceful nature—with the sun, the birds, the slippery marsh, or the icy snow seeping into my shoes and making my feet freezing cold—feels right. A slice of discomfort never stops me from visiting the forest or climbing to the mountain peaks.

Having a family and kids has made a significant difference in my life. When my first child was born, the nagging feeling of missing something almost disappeared—or at least I thought it had for many years. For a time, being a mother became my top priority because my young children depended on me. But as they grew more independent, the desire for something more started to creep back into my life. Writing about this now is an attempt to figure out what that desire is, how to find it, and how to make it a part of my life so I don’t constantly feel like there’s a void I need to fill—without even knowing what’s missing.

Physical training of any kind helps me feel more balanced, happy, and healthy. But I know that’s not my ultimate purpose in life. So what is it, then?