Becoming Me: One Awkward Step at a Time

Imagine a day when everything that needs to come together to release endorphins, leading to satisfaction and happiness, is all working in harmony — including those around you — and your words and theirs are at their very best at the same time. You feel the pleasure, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow, just enjoying the total flow where the meeting point is so perfect, like when a sperm races alongside so many others and the total satisfaction is at the arrival point — except here, every moment is the arrival point. The only slight fear arising is the thought that you should not disturb these moments, because you don’t want to be the cause of the end. You want to enjoy the flow further, as they say.

Have you experienced such moments, and are you able to recall the feeling from time to time when an uncontrolled shitstorm hits you — and the aftermath lasts longer than you ever wished for, feeling at least as uncontrolled as the flow described earlier?

I’m sitting here in the shitstorm, where my body still feels that a storm has hit the ground and the damage is experienced as body pain. And then it started to rain — but this time the rain feels like a relief. Everything is so green when looking out from the train window, and I remember the raindrops hitting my window when I woke up this morning. It’s quiet, barely audible, and it brings growth to all my plants in the garden, taking care of all human needs. The drops are kind, one by one, a bit warmer than rain usually is. When walking to the train station, the feeling them touch my skin awakens a need to take my clothes off and feel the drops all over — not just on the top of my head and face. My imagination runs ahead, and the thought of these raindrops reminds me of a touch leading to desire, one I don’t want to stop. Not many chances to experience such rain in cold and windy middle-Norway, so every drop is a gift to my soul as well.

Remember the uncontrolled happiness when the uncontrolled shitstorm hits you — take those feelings, remember and feel them again. Be gentle with them, as you would with a newborn baby or a cherished piece of porcelain, and the body pain will ease, just as these words are coming out through my fingers touching the keyboard.